they say learn to love everyone

eliminate hatred and anger.

then you will reach the greatest power, that is love.

I am really trying. Hard. But just for this moment, I can’t help it. I feel like banging my head against the wall 1000x.

I am on night shift. I have been working so hard since I start at 930pm.  So when a nurse rang me and said, “I’ve got a patient who’s terminal and on the LCP. Can you come and see this patient as she’s scoring 10 on her EWS?” what%39809jkdshjhd2%%%%&*

P/s: for non-medics, LCP is a pathway you put patient who’s dying where the aim is just to keep comfortable. EWS = scoring to assess patient’s stability and to alert healthcare staffs possible deterioration.

Another day to remember..

May every day of our lives be as vibrant and colourful
May each day strengthen us. You’re the BEST. 18 (decades) more to come, insyaAllah.

what else?

I am a self confessed workaholic.

When I’m at home watching telly, my mind wanders around my patients’ blood film result and optimizing their treatment. I had pinched myself hard. TO. STOP. AND. TO. LET. GO.

It doesn’t help that my other half is a medic as well. Because we tend to talk about our patients especially mine are his too since he admits them from the Accident&Emergency; dept.

And look at this space, full ramblings of my work. Surely bore everyone to death.

I am a workaholic.

So today, my consultant aka the cool Professor asked me: are you as passionate about everything else in your life as you are towards work?

I guess yes. No, not guess. I am. Passionate about other things.

My family,my friends, my cats, my books and my baking pans.:)

There are so many things I want to. So much I want to achieve. So many goals and dreams lined up.

I want to go places – travel to all nooks and corners of the world.
I want to own and drive a Corsa, then 6 months after that perhaps buy a Beetle. And in 2-3 years get that 6 series or CLS that Vishal’s droolin after.
I want to take up golf. And get into a cookery course. Or cake decorating. And learn to sew my own curtains.
I want one day to walk into my spacious country style kitchen with the smell of freshly baked muffins wafting in the air.
And have a home build with glass on one side opening out to the green hills, connecting us directly to the nature.

It’s no good just wanting them. It’s time to start making them a reality. Where do I start? Hmmm.. maybe Golf or go to Prague.

*Yours truly having a go at art in Tate Modern*

who are we?

Heard of the Susan Boyle phenomenon lately? I missed the first audition for Britain’s Got Talent. It wasn’t until I saw it on the news that I was aware of Susan Boyle who gave the people of Britain a huge wake up call. I heard too that she is gaining a much deserved attention from the States.

What Amanda said was really true. We were being so cynical. I can’t lie that when I initially watch the clip on youtube I thought “oh, come on!This 47 year old must be another wanna be”. It was her unkempt hair, her plump appearance, her squinting eyes. I crossed her off even before she begin. How wrong was I? How wrong were the judges? How wrong was the sneering audience? As soon as she opened her mouth, I was just trembling. Such a beautiful voice. Such a gem.

There were times more often than not, we deny people just because of appearances. Something that is hard to change. I found myself in a similar boat at work occasionally. Especially at 3 am in the morning. I have a very low tolerance for alcoholics and problematic teenagers who came in with overdose. I used to think what a waste of NHS resources. These are all self-inflicted. They will continue to drink and drink and drink. And the depressed will try to take their lives again. I much prefer the old grannies who came in with a fall or a UTI.

I guess the ‘wake up call’ from the popular reality show is contagious. The other day, in the wee hours of the morning, I went to see this patient. She is a known alcoholic, clearly intoxicated. For once, I was curious enough to question her “why drink?”. I guess I was tired, a short story or two could do me some respite. To my surprise, she said no one had ever asked her. She drank because she needs to forget that she is all alone. She needs to forget that her daughter was murdered. By the man she once loved. The man she let into her house, thinking he would raise her daughter together. Now, she has lost her child and he’s behind bars. She is full of guilt and aner. She has nobody and nothing.

The experience mellowed me a bit. Each patient has a story to tell. And my amanah (responsibility) is to care for them. It wasnt my place to judge. It wasnt my job to ration the service. Not everyone is privileged. Not everyone discovered that special rope to hang on to.

I have the luxury of resources – spiritually, support system, wealth and shoulders to cry on. With those, comes the responsibility of gratitude, sharing and being empathic. As without His Grace, I too have nothing. And all can be taken away in a blink of an eye. It’s a definite slap on the face. To question who myself is before i ask who they are. And to learn – to give everyone a chance.

Drowned in the madness

It’s been a crazy few months for me. Everything seemed to happen at once, or one after another. Despite the mantra, “one day at a time”.. I seemed to lose myself within the flow. There were times too many when I thought of making clones of myself: 1 – focusing on job application, ace the interviews, 1- going to work, 1 – study and passing my big exam. Anyhow, it’s all coming to an end before the next wave of madness appears.

I have got a job! Alhamdulillah, it gave me a good kick of confidence knowing that I am at least of worth to the medical world here. J It was scary looking at other people’s portfolios – so thick, so elaborate. The interviewing process though was stressful and emotionally exhausting, gave me an eye-opening experience. Sometimes, we got carried away in the routines of our lives. We tend to forget the need to improve and progress. Note to self: more audits, read journals.

I decided to opt for Internal Medicine. Yes, I am ready for the hard work and sweat. Time after time, I was still contemplating. I can actually have a better relaxing life as a GP. Sit in the clinic, long lunch break, no working on weekends or nights. That sounds more appealing, eh? After a lot of soul searching, I came down to the specialty I am most passionate about. Something that moves me. Makes me tremble with excitement. It’s tough. It’s a lot of sacrifices on many parties. But insya Allah, I believe that if it’s for the right reason, the right intention, Allah will make it easy for us.

Now, I need to get back start studying. My sleep-wake pattern is still affected by previous night shifts. I am tempted to stick to it. I’m on nights again next week, so why not just keep the routine.

New look

Thought of adding some colours to the site. Spice it up a bit!

Now, it’s a matter of updating it. Brb.

“the sun’ll come out, tomorrow

Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There’ll be sun!”

La.. lala.. lalalala..

Life is good. Work load is still the same, perhaps more. Assessments, interviews, exam, new rotation. But it’s just another roller coaster ride. Might as well enjoy this ride.

Today, I argued with my consultant. No, nothing out of rudeness. It was a clinical discussion. It felt good getting it off my chest. Really good.

Today, my patient son continued ‘harassing’ me saying that we are not doing good enough to make his dad better. Some days I rolled my eyes behind his back. But I saw the dedication and love in those eyes. Which I might have missed before in my hastiness. All he wanted was the best for his father. Hence, I smiled more sincerely and listened. It felt good.

Today, I saw Kaustubh. It reminded me of my great team in Northampton. It reminded me that I have been better at my job. It inspired me for a better tomorrow.

Long lunch, leaving at 5 sharp, sipping coffee at home, home cooked dinner. Hearing my other half sounding cheerful and optimistic (although tired). My sister’s excitement of learning about dental morphology (geek!). I am counting my blessings.

Now, better battle against this laziness to get up from the sofa. I have 1001 to do and I’m so keen on ending the day on a high note.

P/s: My butterflies are facing finals for Thursday, please pray for this hardworking and determined group. May success be theirs.

60 minutes left

In less than an hour, I’ll be finishing my 3-day weekend oncall shift. My back is hurting. My legs are aching. My eyelids are drooping. But Alhamdulillah, within the last 3 hours.. I have been doing… nothing. I repeat NOTHING. My bleep remained mute. No more cannulas (yeah, after the 10 ones I did this morning). So I have been sipping coffee, looking through my job list again and again and again seeing if I have missed anything. Alhamdulilah with the ‘leisure time’ I managed to look at my preparation for my coming interviews. I am ever so grateful, for the smooth running of today and everyone is nicely tucked in bed, behaving their best.No plumetting drop in BP. Everyone peeing well. No spiking temperatures. And the ones at home are enjoying their sunny Sunday instead of paying a visit to the hospital.Welll done patients! (Haha) Thank you Allah.

Last night, my colleague had a rough shift. The nurse upstairs in my ward was giving her a hell of a time, and this is not something new. I had my fair share earlier and many had fumed with anger, one (not me!) had sobbed heavily. I told my colleague, forget the whole issue as it is really not worth it. The incident reminded myself to be extra cautious when I’m on duty next week. It crossed my mind even to perhaps ignore that particular nurse. Well, isn’t it payback time?

Nonetheless, this morning I was reading the Quran before work and His Words just hit me straight to the core. He, The Almighty, was reminding me the righteous way to relate with people. Good or bad.

“Call to the way of your Lord with wisdom and good admonition and argue with them in a way that is best. No doubt. Your Lord knows well who has strayed from His way and He knows well those who are guided.
And if you give punishment then punish them to the extent they had afflicted you, and if you be patient, then undoubtedly, patience is best ‘for those who are patient.
And O beloved! Be patient and your patience is because of Allah and grieve not for them and be not strained because of their plots.
No doubt, Allah is with those who fear and do good” An-Nahl 125-128″

How wonderful the teachings of Islam is. It’s all laid down clearly. All we need to is to open our mind, heart, eyes and ears. And comprehend. And obey. Insya-Allah.

Homework given by Yatt – part 2

5 Characteristics of your dream guy/girl
I’ve MET HIM!
1) Vishal the most loving
2) Vishal the most giving
3) Vishal the most kindhearted
4) Vishal the loyal suppoter
5) Vishal the cheeky monkey (JOKING)

5 Characteristics that you have never like in a guy/girl
1) Wannabe material
2) Slimy
3) Selfish
4) Disrespectful towards others
5) Pengotor

5 feelings that you have when you’re out with the one you admire
1) Bliss
2) I’m Lucky
3) Hopeful that God Will Keep Us together
4) proud – like girls, look at me, i’m with this amazing guy (ok that’s an exaggeration)
5) Walking on air

5 places that you want to travel with your loved one
1) Mecca (like Yatt) Insya Allah
2) Prague
3) Paris
4) Bali
5) London – I *HEART* LONDON, always been in love with the city.

5 special things that you would give to your loved one
1) A love that never dies
2) A spirit booster
3) An ever -listening ear
4) A shoulder to cry on
5) Mercedes CLS 4-door luxury coupé

5 songs that you will sing to your partner
1) I’m Yours -Jason Mraz
2) Super Trouper – ABBA
3) Gravity – Sara Bareilles
4) Footprints in the sand- Leona Lewis
5) Stepping Stone/Mercy – Duffy (just because I have a feeling I’ll look extra cool singing her songs and wearing her trademark dresses)

5 friends that you want to tag
1) Aneesa
2) Ika (come back to the blogging world babe)
3) Fiza again
4) Imah again
5) Nazzi

DONE Yatt!

Homework given by Yatt – part 1

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Nope. And I am quite sure no one is going to be named after me either. Rare name.

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRY?
Err this morning. Nothing abnormal, i’m a cry baby. I cry everyday – be it funny laughter or just watching the cat shelter advert.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
YES. I look at them for de-stressor effect.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE LUNCH MEAL?
A sandwich, a packet of ready salted crisp and a bottle of oasis. And I prefer uninterrupted lunches but they are rare occurrences.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
One day insya Allah.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Hell yeah. Once you shake my hand, I’ve got your back forever. Well, I try to.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
When I speak to some nurses. Hehe.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Nope, but I’ll watch and cheer.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE CEREAL?
Crunchy Nut and Kellogs K Peaches and Apricot

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
I dont wear shoes with laces.Just because.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE ICE CREAM?
Ben and Jerry’s Cookie Dough.

13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
The warmth

14. RED OR PINK?
Red ( i am a big gal now)

15. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
Too much emotion.

16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
Can I name three atleast? Ibu, Vishal and my baby sista. And my kazens. And Ika, Sonie, Niesa, etc who rarely update their blogs nowadays.

17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Yes, gimme something to read.

18. WHAT COLOUR OF PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Black. And pink-striped snuggly sleeping socks

19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Fatin and Zue discussing past year exam paper next door

20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOUR WOULD YOU BE?
Yellow

21. FAVOURITE SMELLS?
Coffee. Daisy by MJ.

22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Vishal.

23. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Nope. I LOVE her.

24. FAVOURITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football

25. HAIR COLOUR?
Black

26. EYE COLOUR
Dark brown

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
Yes.

28 FAVOURITE FOOD?
Sushi – oooohh Unagi, Crispy Salmon Skin Handroll, Pumpkin Korroke, i’m drooling.

29. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy Endings

30. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Vicky Christina Barcelona ( preceded by Curious Case of BB, Burn after Reading, Revolutionary Road in one go. It was me and my sister’s movie marathon tradition)

31. WHAT COLOUR OF SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Magenta

32. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer because I tend to get ill in winter and so does others, meaning more admissions to hospital. Busier months that means.

33. HUGS OR KISSES?
Hugs. Plenty of them.

34. FAVOURITE DESSERT?
Carluccio’s Chocolate Bread and Butter Pudding with Vanilla Cream. (it changes every other day I tell ya)

35. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Fiza

36. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Vishal

37.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Easterbrook’s Basic Sciences for MRCP part 1( am so dull)

38. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
I don’t have a mouse pad

39. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
American Idol season 8

40. FAVOURITE SOUND(S)?
Surah Ar Rahman

41. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles

42. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
UK. But now it feels like home to me. If only my mum can join us here, it’ll be heaven on earth.

43. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Snuggling. Hahaha.

44. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
Indiana, the States.

45. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
Fiza. Imah. Vishal. Niesa. Atul. Sid (ape kate ko have a break from revising, LOL)