a respite indeed

Been operating since 0740 hours and this is my first seating-down for the day that lasted for more than 10 minutes. Oh wait, I had dinner with Naja.. that was a good 20 minutes was it?

Anyhow, it seems the shortest Friday I have ever encountered. Should have had the pedometer on me, I might have hit a million steps. Hahaha. As if! But I did walk a lot today. Climbing up and down both menara(s). I thought that the two admissions that came in after 7 was the last hurdle. Na-ah, one of the bosses popped onto the ward and asked if I would like to come with her to see a patient. Ok, how do you say NO to that? You can’t. It was not an option, it was a task. I am not complaining. There’s something inspiring about this consultant of mine. I love standing there beside her, taking in her words perhaps more than the patient was absorbing. Often times, I tried out her tactics and techniques myself when I speak to my patients, and I found myself closer and closer to getting satisfaction from my interactions with them. Bedside teaching, in my view, is still the best method to learn. You can try and cram all the pages from a book but they never prepare you to be a good doctor.

I literally feel like a whale stranded on the beach. I am barely moving an inch of my muscle. My mobile is on the table less than a metre away from me, yet I still silently wish I have some magical power to move the device. Lazy bum! Need to hit the sack pronto. I am starting to see unicorns parading before my eyes. Hahaha.

Dear patients, sleep tight please. Dear colleagues especially in the Emergency Department, let’s not “catch-up” tonight. For all matters, let’s just delay it another day. And let me have this, if I must say so myself, deserved rest I crave since 0800 hours.

of perspective

I fell asleep behind the wheels yesterday. Alhamdulillah during that split second no other cars were within my close vicinity. I am blessed, yet I must learn from this near-fatal mistake.

I am tired. But at this point, I cannot surrender and give in. I remembered Sheikh Yahya mentioned in his opening talk, the moment we relax.. the moment we stop being excellent.. that is when we are likely to sway. I am terrified that I wont do well in my exams. I am terrified that Allah has not seen my part enough to reward me with good marks.

But pushing also came to a limit.

Last night, my back hurt terribly. I had throbbing headache and I was nauseated. In less than half an hour I found myself swallowing all painkillers available in our drug cabinet ( no, I was not overdosing). And I thought, really? Is this how I am riding the journey?

And it doesnt help to try venting out to some ppl. Because your intention to pour all the frustrations and anxiety out just goes down the drain. Instead, you were lending your ears. And they just added another load, another cloud of negativity. Is this how I want to reach the endpoint?

It’s almost magical if we choose the right outlet. And that is how I began to see straight, the swirling lines just began to disappear before my eyes. The weight slowly lifted. The heart that was beating in anxiety begins to regulate itself again. The smile replaces the frown. The lips begin to praise and promise. That THIS is the way.

That I will turn to HIM first no matter what. To cry or to ask. To rest or to stress. To prostrate and to raise my hands.

Because those that follows were as smooth as silk. As easy as ABC. Like how a colleague offered a lending hand. A best friend called to just check on you. Or you found yourself talking to the right person about your troubles and they just handed you solutions, guides and better still, motivation!

only myself to blame

I had to re-organize my shoe section in my room. I seemed to forget about the nice ones stuck beneath the pile of boxes. In the morning, I will do the ultimate thing – pick the one easiest to reach (and match ofcourse ). At 1 am in the morning, I was just doing that. Putting the right shoes in the right boxes. Choosing the essential six to store them in my carboot. Did I mention how I got the organizer/storage thingy neatly arranged at the back of my car? There’s only 6 of them, hence I can only rotate those who makes it to the car.

It dawned on me how I have waaaayyy too much shoes for my feet. Perhaps 50% of them are of Hush Puppies, 25% from Camper and the rest are just a mix of “they are just too cute to resist’ shoes. When I shipped all my belongings from the UK about 1.5 years ago, I had two huge boxes of shoes. Totaling up to 16 pairs of shoes. I should have taken a picture of my uncles’ expressions. Yup, I was the Imelda Marcos of the family.

Since then, I have just realized that I have at least doubled the numbers! 32 pairs in my room and…. 6 in the car.. plus another 3 at work. OMG, I should have made an inventory on my shoes. Tsk tsk tsk. So again, I am staring at the neatly arranged boxes at the shoe corner of my room. I am amazed, ashamed and speechless really. My mum said perhaps I need to pay Zakah on these collections of mine.

It is bad really. This weakness of mine. MUST.STOP.BUYING.SHOES. I went through them all, finding out if any of them has gone beyond its age. Thing is, I have difficulties of letting them go. The parting is just to hard to bear. Hahaha. Drama queen, as always. I guess they came down to the memories and sentimental values that they possessed. Like a haggard looking, brownish edged Camper I own. It has a rope-like detailing that has began to disintegrate. I don’t think I can mend them or throw them away. It was my first Camper And with this baby, I walked and ran through the corridors of Northampton General Hospital. My house officer survival kit, I’d like to think. They are still wearable albeit I have to be extra careful not to damage them further.

Similar to a striking red Office pumps. They were on a massive sale, costed me around 5 pounds. It wasn’t because they were a bargain that they are very dear to me. It was that weekend I spent with Hajar in Leicester. And we just had a blast that time. And I got the shoes before her. LOL.

All of them carries a significant meaning to me. They were never just an impulse buy. Honest! Until then I guess, I must stop buying or I need to convert my sister’s room next door as my walk-in shoe closet!

inhale!

Less than 5 months to go!

I’m predicting ME in 5 months to come:

Dishevelled

Disorientated

Anti-social

SkinniER

or perhaps FATTER (due to binge eating induced by stress).

Will take a pic of me then.

Ya Allah, please ease my journey and bless me with all Your Guidance and Mercy. I can’t do it without You. Ameen.

a girl’s bestfriend

Defly not diamonds! Unless we are talking about the transient state of elation. Of course the sparkles induce your giggles. You put ‘em on, you paused at the reflection in the mirror, you ooohh-ed over your new bling bling, then it was time to put them in the box again. Until the occasion arises. Or say you do wear it around, 80% of the time you were not even conscious over its presence.

I’m talking about the bestie that will enable you to stumble into your life adventures without fear, because you know, she will always be there for you. The bestie who may have not been able to call you as regularly but once she did, she said all the right things and all  the necessary things you need to hear. The bestie who had your best interest at heart. The bestie that I would never hesitate in a heartbeat to put her above myself.

I am lucky to have perhaps more than one of them in my life. And nothing beats how cosy it is to just spend the whole day talking about everything under the sun or most of the time, ranting over just one issue! It is the ease of getting into each other’s car and make impromptu dates or  go for a shopping spree or share a piece of cake. Or how it was never enough to spend a few hours at the cafe and then having to bid farewell, so you end up chatting away at the gate and then decided to stay for a few more minutes. The next thing you know, you are laughing your heads off on the bed. And that few minutes in the end, came to a few more hours.

And when you do say your goodbyes, you were left with this content feeling. Not the giddiness of bumping into your crush nor the fluttering of meeting your beloved. It is warmer. It is more.. permanent. You know no matter what happens, she has got your back and vice versa. That your friendship goes a looongg way and ultimately put petty disagreements to shame.

I love my girls, enough said. For all the time they have stood by me, I thanked them with all my heart. I am indeed, too lucky.

The “See You Soon” Lunch :)

And for a moment like this, I am lost for words…

 

Day – 1

Tomorrow marks a big day for me. Been waiting for this day to come, both with joy and sadness all the same. To be in a team of great leaders is enriching. Yet, they came at a weight of extra hours and extra number of patients.

I must have spent so much time in the ward even the Profs of Surgery thought I was one of them. The housemen held by arm so tight as I said “So long girlies.. it was nice working with you“.

My dearest patients, you will be in good hands I assure you. As for me, I think I deserve a breather. Toasting to a new 6 months – studying hard, passing exam and to no more going home after 7 pm!

Tomorrow come and end quick!

taking empathy a tad too far?

A few years ago, I was that awkward medical student hiding behind her Registrar as he relays to the critically ill patient’s family that the patient most likely will not survive. That was my defense mechanism – hiding behind my someone or pretending to scribble in my notebook. I avoided the eye contact. I just dont have the heart to see the pain in their eyes. Or offer them solace in this trying time for them. I mean, really, what can we offer to counteract the hurting words? A hug? A hand squeeze? An empathetic look? Nothing really. Have you imagined yourself in these people’s shoes?

That night, my Registrar turned to me and said “it will get better with time..”. I guess my forlorn look said it all. I was disturbed. Breaking bad news to the patient and their families is the hardest thing I have to do every day. And it had been years since that incident but my little heart still breaks bit by bit. Each time I walked away from a distressed family, I’d feel a stab in my chest. So how was it supposed to be easier? The words that came out became easier muttered I guess. Yet, that was all that is easier. Handling the vibes, looking straight into the eyes, offering comfort were as hard to endure as ever.

Today I saw my patient in the surgical ward. Things are not looking good. We repeated the scan and my guy had his cancer spread to everywhere possible. Tough. I said what I had to say, that we have options still. We aim to control the disease. Or palliate the symptoms. What did it for me was how his elderly wife ran after me with scan report in her hand. Explain the report to me doctor, she said. My watch showed nearly 5 pm and I still have two more patients to see. Those sad eyes. So I sat through with her, laying out every detail in laymen terms. And as I watched her nodding to my words, my heart sank at how she wanted to actively understand and be involved. I drew the liver and showed her how the passage of bile is now blocked. Hence why her husband is as yellow as a banana at the moment. And she took it in, exhaling softly. In spite of the news, she was the one patting my arm and thanked me. As I looked back at her, now back by her husband side and holding hands, the tears welled up and I left swiftly.

So, how is it going to be easier? You tell me.

coming back to this

Our intentions.

It is too easy to slip away. In this rat race, I feel a lot of things are mechanical most of the time. Get up in the morning, prepare for work, arrive at the hospital, sit through the clinic, lunch, pray, more clinics and go home. And once I get home, the same routine too – wash up, pray, dinner and perhaps watch some telly, read a bit then zzzz. Tomorrow comes another cycle. How many of us were really in contact with our being those every second? Like consciously aware of our actions and the intentions of our actions?

I dont.

And most nights, I just dozed off within seconds. Reflecting is such a hard task nowadays. And that, is no good. Because I miss out on correcting what is wrong or even multiplying what is right.

I make a habit each day as I get into the car, I renew my intentions for the day. Let me be a better ‘abd today Ya Allah. Let me serve Him through my job. Let Him be Pleased with all that I do that particular day and blessed my every deed and every move. Hence, make my journey to work a safe one. Make me a doctor of nil major error and protect my patients from harm as I am only human. Make my colleagues at ease when they deal with me and vice versa. I always capped my prayers with Ayat 1000 Dinar which I hold closely to heart.

“Dan memberi rezeki kepadanya tanpa disangka-sangka”.. My heart trembles at this particular phrase. And I firmly believe that is the case. Only Allah can send us guidance, mercy in ways unimaginable to us. Those moments when we thought we had hit rock bottom? We rose back to the surface, always. Don’t we?

I kept my intentions checked in the morning. By mid morning, I turn into this crazy mice running around. And more often than not, I turn into the robotic human I always dread. Next patient, next task, next ward yadda yadda.

And without realising sometimes it became more of obeying your consultants. Pleasing your patients. Putting yourself above the group. Other agendas that just tarnished what I pledged. And when the intentions swayed, I would only realised when things turn pear shape or the feeling isn’t just right or as I wonder why things go wrong. I have forgotten. That it is always – lillahi ta’ala.

I have been drifting lately. I guess I can’t keep on blaming it all on the mammoth amount of work as it will never change. Baby steps, to get back again. To where I was. Or better. I hope, insya Allah. No more excuses, as Nike says “JUST DO IT’.

So I must from time to time during the course of the day ask myself, “Who am I doing this for? The people or Allah swt?”

letting my hair down

It’s nearly 16 hours post my call yesterday. To be honest, this is the most tired I felt since I joined Oncology. Having said that, it is, I guess 1/12 of the exhaustion and craze that came with medical on-calls. I been lying in bed, blinking so many times unable to get myself to sleep. Too knackered. And although I passed the baton to my colleague at 8 am this morning, the drama continued and I was still on the phone with the surgical SHO at 1145 pm on my post-call day. Worse, he told me that there will be a family conference at 830 am tomorrow that I have to attend as the oncology team. Did I tell you that my boss is away for the whole 2 weeks? And I have a class from 8 am to 12 noon, then 1pm to 5pm. That leaves me before 8 am and 12-1pm and after 5pm to sort out the mess or pending matters. Oh well, que sera sera.

After yesterday’s hectic call, I did the unthinkable (of me). I rarely call myself spontaneous. I am always calculative and always planning every tiny thing, every single step. Post-call I went for a Sunday brunch with mummy dearest after she picked me up from UMMC. Bellies full, we were heading toward the Samsung store as she wanted to get a Galaxy tab pronto ( that’s my mum, she has her moments like this) when we saw the real estate expo. Fast forward, I put down the booking fee and upfront payment for a 3 bedroom condo!

We even drove to the show unit to see if my heart made a jump. Suffice to say, I was sold by it. I just felt it, there, in my heart that insya Allah this will be a good move. Funny things like this happen when I least mulled over it. Random and spontaneous. It felt good nonetheless. So letting loose once in a while is actually a good thing for me. Now I know. Now, time to wear my hair up again or else my bank account will suffer.