It seems like a dream. I feel like I went through the motions of the day without clarity. Yet, it was true. You have left us Kak Emi. And we know you are in a better place, insya Allah, but we selfishly miss you and thought of you more and more.
This time last year as Astrid pointed out yesterday as we drove away from the kubur, we were still going out on our daily lunches. The 4 of us – the misfits I call us. Yesterday, you went in a different car and we left without you.
You were beautiful as always my kakak. And the ceremony went smooth and serene. Masya Allah how calm you looked with a smile on your face. Ya Rahman, the price of a strong heart bearing sabr and yaqeen.
For others, they lost a colleague, a cousin, a schoolmate. For us 3, we lost the Kak Emi who educated and nurtured us from how she fought her battle. We were lucky to have known you Kakak.
Remember when I told you my life is stagnant and how things are not going right?
You told me I was losing the point of this life. That everything should direct me back to the al Khaliq. That the stagnancy was also a means of returning. That the uneasiness within the heart was a means of returning.
Remember when I told you keep straying away and failing to persevere in my deeds?
Tahajjud, adik. Tahajjud changes your life. And without fail you made me wake up and had that special 4 am meeting.
Remember when I was hurt and people wronged me? And all I wanted was revenge?
Everyone was ready to fight for me – hurt him, kick him, scratch his car. Everyone agreed he was mean, he had no heart. But kakak, you focused on me. That I should learn the lesson – that human comes with flaw. Expecting from fellow humans, I get crushed. Kakak you told me, seek the Al Jabbar (Mender of the broken heart).
Remember I wasn’t ready to let you go?
You calmly said, then our paths crossed by the will of Allah is wasted. That the living me should continue what I have learnt from her and be better. That if we were to be reunited, it shall be in Jannah hopefully. Merely hours before you passed away, you told me you are ready and I just cried hugging you ( I wasnt quite ready kakak)
I have a long way to go Kakak, to be able to join you. But I will not waste this gift. Allah has placed you in my life and set example of how a believer should approach this life.
You saw none of this world, your eyes were fixed on the next world. You pushed away pain and saw the beauty that awaits you. You smiled through the hardship and knew Allah is just and you will be rewarded. No one or no patients I have encountered ever said this illness puts their hearts at rest except you. You saw it as a path to have your rank raised in His eyes.
I wish I can tell the world how beautiful you are. I wish years down the line, I still carry you in my heart -your advices, your exemplary attitutde, your peaceful soul, insya Allah.
I love you and I miss you so much already. But I am keeping my head high and know Allah’s plan is the best and found solace that your sufferings have come to an end.
Insya Allah, if I make the’ grades’.. I will see you later 🙂
Innaalillaahi wa innaa ilaihi raajiuun.
‘O Allaah, forgive and have mercy upon her, excuse her and pardon her, and make honorable her reception. Expand her entry, and cleanse her with water, snow, and ice, and purify her of sin as a white robe is purified of filth. Exchange her home for a better home, and her family for a better family, and her spouse for a better spouse. Admit her into the Garden, protect her from the punishment of the grave and the torment of the Fire’ (From the Fortress of a Muslim)