The last entry I wrote was the end of a phase. What better things to write than a hopeful beginning? 🙂
In all honesty, I have been rather
down sober since last month. Life feels different. Life has been different. I deal with life and death all the time, on a daily basis, 24/7, constant pronouncing patients death and talking to families about active phase of dying. Yet, funny enough, it shook me in ways I have never really expected. To bathe, to clothe, to pray upon and to bury someone so close to you – who had breakfasts together, who shared an office with, who was on your speed dial list – is the biggest wake up call ever.
We knew it was coming, and she knew it was coming. We pulled up our strongest act, yet she was stronger braving it. Just as she said, she was ready. And I can gave a testimony to that – it was all written on her face. As I kissed her goodbye, I knew my tears were all selfish tears.
Again and again Kak Emi lectured us, taught us “it is not about here that matters”. Again and again she said with conviction “He wants me with him, I am happy”. Again and again she believed that what she leaves behind will be all taken care of by Allah’s will and plan.
I was crying for the strength that she had, and I dont. I was crying for the faith that she had, and I dont. I was crying for the certainty that she had, and I dont.
The late Kak Emi not once winced at her sufferings, yet figured she sinned so much that it takes so many hurdles in her illness to get her “cleansed”. What is between a slave and his Master, we will never know. But my heart is at ease witnessing how serene she looked when we bid her goodbye. I’m sure you are with your Beloved, happy and painfree.
With this new year, I am embracing it with a spirit inspired by my sister. That each drop of tears, each drop of sweat..let it be for our investment in the Hereafter. I need to keep asking myself “is this for the dunya or is this for the Akhirah?” “is this going to please fellow humans or is this for the pleasure of Allah?”