that blank moment

It was mother’s day yesterday and just like any other mother’s day I wanted to write something nice and straight from the heart. Except, I was staring at the blank page for almost an hour.

A week ago, I was writing a letter on behalf of ze big boss and my attempt halted after 3 lines. He saw me and my pathetic 50 words, and took over.

Often nowadays I ran out of things to say to friends over whatsapp, the inspiration was somewhat patchy. Like I know what I wanted to say, yet they came out dry and soul-less.

I am taking up writing again. Need me mojo back.

not the overwhelming kind

Rachel: I want to be someone’s first choice.

Ethan: Yeah, you are.

Rachel: No, I know what you’re saying. I’m not his first choice.

Ethan: Maybe you’re someone’s first choice. What? You never wondered about me? I don’t know how to say this… Um, gosh, Rachel, I like you. I’ve always liked you. And when another guy came in the picture, I liked you even more. You are home for me. Wow! That sounded crazy. Wow. And that’s probably what all this is. I mean, it’s probably crazy. It’s not love. But… it kind of feels like it is. Don’t worry. My love is not really the overwhelming kind. Geez, when I’m in love, I drink Rose and watch “Remains of the Day,” so… I don’t know, Rachel, maybe it’s just that I miss you. But I think you fell in love with someone else. And I think you still are. [Rachel nods her head and sits by Ethan’s side.] Ah, dammit, I knew I should have gone for Claire. [Rachel laughs.]

—Something Borrowed (2011)

***

Is it a sign of maturity and ageing? That love isnt the overwhelming kind? Because love now is calm and serene.

Or has it achieved the equilibrium between holding tight and releasing, between smothering and giving space, between temporary euphorias and permanent ‘low flutters in the belly’?

Perhaps, love is finally.. home.

half-hearted 2014

I embraced the new year by being at work. When the year kicks off with fireworks around the country, my phone rang to mark the moment. A patient collapsed. I was grateful that we revived him within 5 minutes, my heart went out to the loyal wife shaken by the thought of stepping into a new year with a reminder that she lost her love the very same date.

Alas, although that patient made it another day. Another young soul met his Creator a few hours later. And his wife crumbled before my eyes.

That was my new year experience. *cringes*

It will be a huge year biiznillah for me and my family. Insya Allah a major (final) exam and a major life change. I get chest tightness over thinking of exam and how ill prepared I am at the moment. Which leaves me very lil time to think of the other prep I have to do.

Rabbi yassir wala tuassir. I need You – as always.

that corridor

That once heard the laughters of 4 doctors sharing their tales of the day – the demanding patient, the poor makcik who cant afford our chemo, the nasi lemak that was worth the calories – appear bare and hollow in every sense.

That once led us to her office, where we sat in her room listening to the wisdom of our sister – of another way of being grateful, of another chance to repent, of another resource that shall not go to waste – still hangs her name of the door.

I wish I can tell somebody who can understand how I feel, walking the same corridor.. seeing the same signage on her door.. hearing her voices everywhere I go in the department.. seeing her smile in the surau we spent an afternoon too many.. is just very difficult.

Ya Allah it is so hard not to miss her. Ya Allah it is so hard not to remember her. Ya Allah it is so hard not to touch her gifts, her belongings and expect her warmth enveloping me.

From time to time, I go back to my entries on her and take comfort that some of the words I failed to say, she managed to read on this space. From time to time, I scroll down her messages, always full of naseehah and always full of love, and my heart will stop hurting for a while.

This place, brings so much memory. And I’m too overwhelmed.

Allahummaghfirlaha warhamha wa ‘afiha wa’fuanha. I love you. Always.

1435 H

The last entry I wrote was the end of a phase. What better things to write than a hopeful beginning? 🙂

In all honesty, I have been rather down sober since last month. Life feels different. Life has been different. I deal with life and death all the time, on a daily basis, 24/7, constant pronouncing patients death and talking to families about active phase of dying. Yet, funny enough, it shook me in ways I have never really expected. To bathe, to clothe, to pray upon and to bury someone so close to you – who had breakfasts together, who shared an office with, who was on your speed dial list – is the biggest wake up call ever.

We knew it was coming, and she knew it was coming. We pulled up our strongest act, yet she was stronger braving it. Just as she said, she was ready. And I can gave a testimony to that – it was all written on her face. As I kissed her goodbye, I knew my tears were all selfish tears.

Again and again Kak Emi lectured us, taught us “it is not about here that matters”. Again and again she said with conviction “He wants me with him, I am happy”. Again and again she believed that what she leaves behind will be all taken care of by Allah’s will and plan.

I was crying for the strength that she had, and I dont. I was crying for the faith that she had, and I dont. I was crying for the certainty that she had, and I dont.

The late Kak Emi not once winced at her sufferings, yet figured she sinned so much that it takes so many hurdles in her illness to get her “cleansed”. What is between a slave and his Master, we will never know. But my heart is at ease witnessing how serene she looked when we bid her goodbye. I’m sure you are with your Beloved, happy and painfree.

With this new year, I am embracing it with a spirit inspired by my sister. That each drop of tears, each drop of sweat..let it be for our investment in the Hereafter. I need to keep asking myself “is this for the dunya or is this for the Akhirah?” “is this going to please fellow humans or is this for the pleasure of Allah?”

Goodbye for now. (Al Fatihah for Dr Nur Emilia Othman)

It seems like a dream. I feel like I went through the motions of the day without clarity. Yet, it was true. You have left us Kak Emi. And we know you are in a better place, insya Allah, but we selfishly miss you and thought of you more and more.

This time last year as Astrid pointed out yesterday as we drove away from the kubur, we were still going out on our daily lunches. The 4 of us – the misfits I call us. Yesterday, you went in a different car and we left without you.

You were beautiful as always my kakak. And the ceremony went smooth and serene. Masya Allah how calm you looked with a smile on your face. Ya Rahman, the price of a strong heart bearing sabr and yaqeen.

For others, they lost a colleague, a cousin, a schoolmate. For us 3, we lost the Kak Emi who educated and nurtured us from how she fought her battle. We were lucky to have known you Kakak.

Remember when I told you my life is stagnant and how things are not going right?

You told me I was losing the point of this life. That everything should direct me back to the al Khaliq. That the stagnancy was also a means of returning. That the uneasiness within the heart was a means of returning.

Remember when I told you keep straying away and failing to persevere in my deeds?

Tahajjud, adik. Tahajjud changes your life. And without fail you made me wake up and had that special 4 am meeting.

Remember when I was hurt and people wronged me? And all I wanted was revenge?

Everyone was ready to fight for me – hurt him, kick him, scratch his car. Everyone agreed he was mean, he had no heart. But kakak, you focused on me. That I should learn the lesson – that human comes with flaw. Expecting from fellow humans, I get crushed. Kakak you told me, seek the Al Jabbar (Mender of the broken heart).

Remember I wasn’t ready to let you go?

You calmly said, then our paths crossed by the will of Allah is wasted. That the living me should continue what I have learnt from her and be better. That if we were to be reunited, it shall be in Jannah hopefully. Merely hours before you passed away, you told me you are ready and I just cried hugging you ( I wasnt quite ready kakak)

I have a long way to go Kakak, to be able to join you. But I will not waste this gift. Allah has placed you in my life and set example of how a believer should approach this life.

You saw none of this world, your eyes were fixed on the next world. You pushed away pain and saw the beauty that awaits you. You smiled through the hardship and knew Allah is just and you will be rewarded. No one or no patients I have encountered ever said this illness puts their hearts at rest except you. You saw it as a path to have your rank raised in His eyes.

I wish I can tell the world how beautiful you are. I wish years down the line, I still carry you in my heart -your advices, your exemplary attitutde, your peaceful soul, insya Allah.

I love you and I miss you so much already. But I am keeping my head high and know Allah’s plan is the best and found solace that your sufferings have come to an end.

Insya Allah, if I make the’ grades’.. I will see you later 🙂

 Innaalillaahi wa innaa ilaihi raajiuun.

‘O Allaah, forgive and have mercy upon her, excuse her and pardon her, and make honorable her reception. Expand her entry, and cleanse her with water, snow, and ice, and purify her of sin as a white robe is purified of filth. Exchange her home for a better home, and her family for a better family, and her spouse for a better spouse. Admit her into the Garden, protect her from the punishment of the grave and the torment of the Fire’ (From the Fortress of a Muslim)

new relationship, old loyal partner

No, this is not a mushy post. Not even a post about wedding preps. I thought of writing about rekindling my relationship with my ‘old lover’ – with a new kind of passion, with a few barriers dropped between us and a new overwhelming desire to submit.

I learnt (more) about the Book. My vitamin Q.

Back in high school, I had a mountain of worries. And I remembered what I learnt on my umrah trip: Allah speaks to you through His words. So at times of sorrow and at times of need for tranquility I sought them via my Tafseer. I will just make a dua and randomly open the pages and I put faith that He will show me a way out or a way through. And it never failed. 🙂

Throughout the years I held on close to the practice of reciting the Quran as much. Khatam whenever you can. Khatam through Ramadan. But as I grew older and as I recently learnt from attending Ust. Nouman Ali Khan’s lectures, I should really foster an unrelenting relationship with it. IT should be my manual, my chicken-soup-for-the-soul, my BNF and BFF. IT should have worn out pages and stick it notes more than my Dobbs for radiotherapy.

I took my loyal tafseer from the shelf and I placed it on my bedside table. I lay down coloured pens and post-it labels by its side. And I had all the podcasts from Bayyinah. Bismillah.

I am going to take time to take in the words of Allah. And I will be student who perseveres and strives insya Allah. As I said, this time around, I’m going in with a new attitude.

beauty as I see it

I remembered how the guys at work debated on one of the female celebrity. Chance was, her father was our patient. I thought,  she was one hot looking girl. Yet the guys are hard to please I must say. Such high standards!

Once I overheard on the radio  of a hijab awareness programme taking place in the near future. They mentioned on the focus of what donning hijab really entails. I must congratulate their efforts as I do feel when I was a lot younger, I used to be what I painfully admit, a follower. I took on the hijab at the age of 13 because it was made compulsory at school, only to realize that Mummy dearest won’t tolerate the on-and-off hijab policy. (what did I tell ya about being a follower?) So sulking back then, I did. Kept it on. And alhamdulillah, til now.

Despite having donned the hijab for more than 17 years now, I must admit I have only began to understand the beauty of it. I mean, I did for the sake of Allah.. in hope I am pleasing him by fulfilling what He asks of me. The perspective changed a couple of years back when I sat in a sister’s circle in UK. Sister Anees brought up the concept of haya (shyness) *the thought of the word and pronouncing the word actually sent shivers down my spine*. And I have fallen for it since. Nonetheless, not so close in achieving it myself. Sigh.

Prophet Sallallahu alaihiwasallam said: “Haya comes from Eman; Eman leads to Paradise. Obscenity comes from antipathy; and antipathy leads to the fire.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari)

A Muslim woman feels shy to do anything that would displease her Lord in any aspect. She has haya in her talk, she has haya in her gaze, she has haya in her clothing, she has haya in her walk. And I dont mean women being timid, introvert and easily trampled upon. Nor thus wearing only soft pastel colours.

Having haya in our speech in my opinion is to speak honorably. To address issues and people with politeness and tact. Surely a hijabi seen shouting with anger is not really pleasing to the eyes. We are meant to cover up – innerself and outerself.

Her haya in her gaze is that she does not look at what Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has prohibited for her to look. Not those bewildered eyes. Not those “looking for attention” gazes.

Her haya in her clothing is that she does not reveal to others what Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala has forbidden for her to reveal. And it is meant to shy away others’ attention to us. Hence I find it difficult to agree with hijab styling that is OTT and heavily decked with accessories. When will our society focus on “less is (definitely) more”?

Her haya in her walk is that she walks modestly without attracting others attention towards herself.

..And let them not stamp their feet so as to reveal what they hide of their adornment. And all of you beg Allâh to forgive you all, O believers, that you may be successful. (Surah An-Nur: 31)

Sister Anees’s words that kept echoing in my ears: be that of a muslimah who is a mystery – none of which others see, smell or hear. Be that pearl; kept hidden yet highly treasured.

I was given a copy of the Hijabista magazine last time. I threw it away after page 3. I was nauseated. And I felt a pain within my chest – I really pray our society find beauty through what was prescribed onto us. Modesty.

A woman who has the knowledge of Allah’s commandment to preserve her modesty, submitting herself to the will of her creator, even after having the desire to be praised for her beauty, is without doubt beloved to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala and as well as to all good believing men. ( taken from islamic thinking)

6 weeks ago exactly

That my mum told me, we are marrying my sister off. I nearly lost control of the mug I was holding at that point. A wedding. In six weeks. *image of being hanged flickered in front of my eyes*

Two days following that conversation she told me that I should get engaged the same date. I hyperventilated that moment onwards. I think when A knew about the plan our parents had, merely 2-3 days after he proposed.. he would have had beads of sweat fears on his forehead.

Fast forward 6 weeks – with our trip to the UK, with fasting month, then raya – I have never felt more like a headless chicken. All over the place was an understatement.

Fast forward 6 weeks – we hosted a beautiful affair(s). I cant be more grateful for our own Jenanian Aina and MatRed. Personally I love Aina’s taste and touches. It was what I expected and more. We also had thumbs up from the guests regarding the food. Lamb and dendeng was my personal favourites!

Fast forward 6 weeks – my sister is now a Mrs. As bias as I can be, I thought she looked demurely beautiful that day. And to see her beaming with happiness, I cant be more thankful to Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim.

Fast forward 6 weeks – I have a ring on my finger that reminds me we are halfway. Insya Allah.. may He ease our journey and may He unite us in His endless Rahmah.

My ultimate favourite shot from Aunty Fye:

Their happy is too loud

It has been a while. If Aina didn’t nudge me, this may go on forever. This ‘drowning’ and absence from the surface. I cant really put a finger to it. The GHKL rotation ended in May and boy I was ready to move on. Perhaps I was a lil over eager to move on.. I was literally counting down the days since March.

There were loads I wanted to pen down – of the silver linings of GHKL, of awesome mentors, of my thoughts on hijabis etc. Yet I found myself staring at this blank page. Do you get the feeling when words are mere words? Lack in inspiration, lack in soul and lack in youth.

There were times a many I experienced heights of euphoria and hope – my kick start to part II masters, my encounter with THE Prof M, volunteering at Being Me, our trio trip around British land, my baby sister graduating etc. But it bothered me. That sometimes our joy may not reach others. That some may winced at my fortunate moments. That I may be insensitively “bragged”.

Just as it was portrayed in the We Bought A Zoo – amidst the family’s mourning over the loss of their mum/wife, it ached to see the joy that enveloped others. Their happy is too loud..

Don’t get me wrong.. I am a firm believer of sharing. I believe inspirations should be passed on, beauty should be appreciated, tragedy should be learnt from, ties should be strengthened. Thus we should share. In moderation. I think it is an art – to infect others with your happiness and to prevent despair those in anguish with your state of elation.

I have wrote multiple times, I am a better abd when I’m in need. I have been, for a while, trying to be as good if not better, an abd when I’m in times of ease.

“Remember Allah during times of ease and He will remember you during times of difficulty” (Tirmidhi)

So life has been kind. Life has been kind all along.

I am happily back at a place I am not pulled in 12 directions. I am walking instead of running. I remembered that I actually breathed. I dont clock in and out at 7 am and 7 pm. Alhamdulillah.

My baby sister is back, finally a dentist. We are now 3 again – mum, me and adik. My aunties and uncles on the other continents of the world are also back for Ramadan. Subhanallah. It’s been a wonderful blessed month.

I’m still fine tuning – so that my happy.. will be the right volume.